From a young age, the messages we receive about emotions play a significant role in shaping how we understand and express our feelings as adults. These early lessons often come from parents, caregivers, teachers, and society, subtly influencing our behavior and emotional well-being. While many of these messages are well-intentioned, they can sometimes lead to the internalization of toxic positivity—a mindset where only positive emotions are deemed acceptable, leading to the suppression of genuine feelings. The consequences of such emotional suppression can be more severe than we might realize.
1. Messages from Parents and Caregivers
“Don’t Cry” or “Be a Good Girl/Boy”
Children often hear phrases like “Don’t cry,” “Be strong,” or “Good boys/girls don’t get angry.” These statements are typically meant to comfort or encourage children to behave in socially acceptable ways. However, they can also convey the message that certain emotions—especially negative ones—are not acceptable.
A study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that children who regularly suppress emotions are at a significantly higher risk of developing anxiety and depressive disorders later in life (Zeman et al., 2006).
Rewarding Positivity
Another common pattern in childhood is the consistent praise of positive emotions and behaviors while ignoring or reprimanding less pleasant ones. For example, a child who is always cheerful or well-behaved might receive more attention and praise, while a child who expresses anger or sadness might be scolded or told to “cheer up.” This dynamic can create a powerful association between positivity and love or acceptance.
The consequences can be alarming: children who are discouraged from expressing negative emotions may experience emotional dysregulation, which can lead to substance abuse, eating disorders, and other maladaptive behaviors as they seek alternative ways to cope with unprocessed emotions (Keenan & Hipwell, 2005).
2. Cultural and Societal Expectations
“Smile, Everything’s Fine”
In many cultures, there is an unspoken expectation that people should always present a happy face to the world, regardless of what they are truly feeling. Phrases like “Keep smiling” or “Always look on the bright side” are often reinforced by media, schools, and communities, teaching children that maintaining a positive demeanor is more important than being authentic about their feelings. This cultural pressure can lead to the internalization of toxic positivity, where individuals feel compelled to hide their true emotions to fit in or avoid judgment.
Studies have shown that this type of emotional suppression is not only linked to increased stress and anxiety but can also have severe physical health implications like cardiovascular disease (Campbell & Katz, 2012).
Media Portrayals of Happiness
Children are frequently exposed to media that glorifies happiness and success while rarely showing the complexity of human emotions. Cartoons, movies, and books often emphasize happy endings without addressing the struggles that lead to them. This can create unrealistic expectations about life, leading children to believe that happiness is the only acceptable emotion and that negative feelings should be avoided or quickly overcome.
Children who are exposed to media that predominantly portrays unrealistic positive outcomes are more likely to experience dissatisfaction and low self-esteem as they struggle to reconcile these portrayals with their real-life experiences (Huesmann et al., 2003).
3. Education Systems and Peer Influence
“Don’t Be a Downer”
In school settings, children who express sadness, anxiety, or frustration may be labeled as “negative” or “downers” by their peers. This social pressure can push children to hide their true feelings in order to fit in and avoid ridicule. Over time, they may internalize the idea that only positive emotions are socially acceptable, leading to emotional suppression and a reluctance to seek help when needed.
This type of social suppression can contribute to severe mental health outcomes. Students who consistently suppress negative emotions are at a greater risk for developing chronic mental health conditions, including depression and anxiety, which can persist into adulthood (Rosen et al., 2013).
“Think Positively” in Problem-Solving
Education systems often encourage positive thinking as a strategy for overcoming challenges. While optimism can be beneficial, the emphasis on positive thinking can sometimes overshadow the importance of acknowledging and addressing difficult emotions. Children may learn to bypass their true feelings in favor of an overly positive outlook, even when it’s not warranted or healthy. This can set the stage for toxic positivity in adulthood, where individuals feel compelled to maintain an upbeat attitude even in the face of significant challenges.
The long-term consequences can be dire: Individuals who habitually suppress negative emotions in favor of forced positivity are at a heightened risk of developing psychological inflexibility, which is strongly correlated with anxiety disorders, depression, and overall decreased well-being (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).
4. Impact of Religious or Moral Teachings
“Be Grateful”
In some religious or moral teachings, there is a strong emphasis on gratitude and contentment. While these values can be beneficial, they may also inadvertently teach children that they should not feel or express dissatisfaction. Phrases like “Count your blessings” or “Others have it worse” can lead children to feel guilty for experiencing negative emotions, pushing them to suppress these feelings instead of dealing with them constructively.
The impact of such teachings can be profound: a study published in the Journal of Psychology and Theology found that individuals who were taught to suppress negative emotions in favour of gratitude are more likely to experience internalized shame, which can lead to chronic mental health issues, including depression and low self-worth (Exline et al., 2000).
“God Has a Plan”
Some children are taught that everything happens for a reason and that they should trust in a higher plan. While this belief can provide comfort, it can also discourage them from expressing or even acknowledging their pain. Children may feel that they must accept and be positive about all circumstances, regardless of how they truly feel. This can lead to the suppression of negative emotions and the development of a toxic positivity mindset, where they believe that they must always remain optimistic, even in the face of hardship.
Individuals who internalize this belief are at greater risk of experiencing unresolved grief and emotional distress, which can significantly impact their mental and physical health in the long term (Wortmann & Park, 2008).
The Long-Term Impact
As children grow up, these internalized messages can manifest as a tendency toward toxic positivity in adulthood. They may struggle to express or even recognize their own negative emotions, feeling that they must always present a positive front to the world. This can lead to emotional suppression, strained relationships, and a diminished capacity to cope with life’s challenges in a healthy way. Moreover, the evidence suggests that these early messages can have severe consequences, including an increased risk of mental health disorders, chronic stress, and even physical illness.
What to Do Instead: Fostering Healthy Emotional Development
It’s crucial to create an environment where children can express a full range of emotions, rather than feeling pressured to maintain a constant state of positivity. Below are practical steps and examples for fostering healthy emotional development in children:
1. Encourage Emotional Expression
Allowing children to express their emotions teaches them that all feelings are valid and important. This helps them build emotional resilience and self-awareness.
Example Situation: Your child comes home from school upset because they didn’t do well on a test.
Don’t: Say “Don’t worry, it’s just one test,” or “You’ll do better next time, so don’t be upset.” These statements, though well-meaning, might inadvertently dismiss the child’s current feelings.
What to Say:
- Validation: “It sounds like you’re really disappointed about your test score, and that’s okay. It’s normal to feel upset when things don’t go the way you hoped.”
- Encouragement to Express: “Do you want to talk about what happened? It might help to share how you’re feeling.”
2. Model Healthy Emotional Behavior
Children learn by observing the adults around them. Modeling how to cope with emotions healthily teaches them by example.
Example Situation: You’re feeling stressed after a long day at work, and your child notices.
Don’t: Pretend everything is fine when it’s not. This teaches children that they should hide their true feelings.
What to Say:
- Acknowledge Your Emotions: “I’m feeling really stressed today because I had a lot of work to do.”
- Demonstrate Coping: “When I feel this way, I like to take a few deep breaths or go for a short walk to clear my mind. Would you like to join me?”
- Script for Modeling: “I had a tough day and I’m feeling a bit frustrated. I’m going to listen to some music to help me relax. It’s important to take care of ourselves when we feel this way.”
3. Provide Balanced Feedback
Balanced feedback helps children understand that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and that struggling with something doesn’t diminish their worth.
Example Situation: Your child is upset because they didn’t make the soccer team.
Don’t: Say “Don’t worry, you’ll get it next time,” which can minimize their current feelings and shift the focus away from the present moment.
What to Say:
- Acknowledge Their Effort: “I know how much effort you put into trying out for the team, and it’s really tough not to make it.”
- Reinforce Resilience: “It’s okay to feel sad or disappointed right now. It’s also important to remember that this doesn’t define you. You’re capable of so much, and there will be other opportunities.”
- Give Balanced Feedback: “I’m proud of you for trying out and giving it your best shot. It’s okay to feel disappointed, and I’m here if you want to talk about what’s next.”
4. Create a Safe Space for Emotions
Children need to feel safe to express their emotions without fear of judgment or punishment. This helps them develop a healthy relationship with their feelings.
Example Situation: Your child gets angry and starts crying after a sibling takes their toy.
Don’t: Respond with statements like, “Stop crying and be nice,” which can make the child feel ashamed of their emotions.
What to Say:
- Validate the Emotion: “I see that you’re really angry because your toy was taken. It’s okay to feel angry when something like this happens.”
- Guide Them to Express Safely: “Let’s talk about why you’re upset, and maybe we can figure out a way to share the toy or find something else to play with.”
- Create a Safe Space: “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s important to talk about it and not hurt others or ourselves. How can we solve this together?”
5. Teach Emotional Literacy
Developing a rich emotional vocabulary helps children identify and express their feelings more effectively. This leads to better emotional regulation and interpersonal communication.
Example Situation: Your child is feeling frustrated but doesn’t have the words to express it.
Don’t: Ignore or brush off their inability to express their emotions, which can lead to frustration and confusion.
What to Say:
- Identify the Emotion: “It seems like you might be feeling frustrated. Is that right?”
- Expand Their Vocabulary: “Sometimes when we feel like this, we might also feel irritated or upset. Do any of those words describe how you’re feeling?”
- Teach Emotional Literacy: “When I’m upset, I might say I’m frustrated, angry, or disappointed. What do you think fits how you’re feeling right now?”
Conclusion: Cultivating Emotional Resilience
By encouraging emotional expression, modeling healthy behavior, providing balanced feedback, creating a safe emotional environment, and teaching emotional literacy, we can help children develop a healthy relationship with their emotions. This approach not only prevents the development of toxic positivity but also fosters emotional resilience, self-awareness, and a greater capacity for empathy.
Teaching children to embrace and process their full range of emotions prepares them to navigate the complexities of life with authenticity and strength. This foundation of emotional health will serve them well into adulthood, leading to more fulfilling relationships and a more balanced, satisfying life.
References
Zeman, J., Shipman, K., & Penza-Clyve, S. (2001). Development and validation of the Children’s Sadness Management Scale. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 30(4), 388-397. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15374424JCCP3004_4
Campbell, J. D., & Katz, L. F. (2012). Emotional suppression and cardiovascular health. Health Psychology, 31(3), 380-388. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026767
Exline, J. J., Yali, A. M., & Lobel, M. (2000). When God disappoints: Difficulty forgiving God and its role in negative emotion. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 28(1), 47-57. https://doi.org/10.1177/009164710002800106
Huesmann, L. R., Moise-Titus, J., Podolski, C. L., & Eron, L. D. (2003). Longitudinal relations between children’s exposure to TV violence and their aggressive and violent behavior in young adulthood: 1977-1992. Developmental Psychology, 39(2), 201-221. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.39.2.201
Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
Keenan, K., & Hipwell, A. E. (2005). Preadolescent clues to understanding depression in girls. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 8(2), 89-105. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-005-4750-3
Rosen, L. H., Underwood, M. K., & Beron, K. J. (2013). Peer victimization as a predictor of early adolescent depression: Moderation by individual, peer, and family factors. Journal of School Psychology, 51(4), 437-453. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsp.2013.02.004
Wortmann, J. H., & Park, C. L. (2008). Religion and spirituality in adjustment following bereavement: An integrative review. Death Studies, 32(8), 703-736. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481180802289507